Friday, February 20, 2015

Salt & light.

What-what?! Two blog posts in ONE month? What's this? Am I back in college? (yes, actually, just got accepted to grad school ha!) Is it summertime? (no, sadly!) Actually, I decided to squeeze in some time to write today because I had to get this off my heart and out of my head.

I try not to write about specific struggles related to my work as a teacher, simply because my blog isn't completely anonymous, and most of those who read it know me in my "Mrs. Wilson" role as well as Briana, the wife, mom, and mess I am. As I have shared, I have a new job this school year, and I really thought it was my dream job, and though I really like it, I have learned the grass isn't always greener. I prayed for this job, and I have a lot to be thankful for: tons of technology, awesome kids, a close commute, a skip away from my daughter, same district as my husband, and a great schedule. What I wasn't prepared for was how alone I am this year. I knew it would be different, but it's been much more difficult that I expected. I have always worked as a team, which is part of the middle school philosophy. But the nature of my position this year means I am without a team, and I don't have anyone is a similar role. In fact, my position is unique in that it's the only one of it's kind in the whole county. As a result, I don't have a "better half" to bounce lesson ideas off of, or a supportive team to manage challenging students (and sometimes challenging parents) or just to vent to. I am cordial and friendly with most everyone, and everyone is mostly polite and nice to me as well, but I struggle with the lack of bonding. I don't know their quirks or share inside jokes or find any depth to our comradere, and for a social person like myself, it's disheartening. In writing, this seems like whining, and maybe it is, but those who teach know how tough this job is most days, and it really is an important part of my life at school. SO anyways, I really had a revelation about it recently. I got to thinking about how Jesus longs for a relationship with so many, and they go about their business, cordial, nonchalant, with Jesus there in the background seeking to know them intimately, deeply, as His children, yet, people stay just an arm's length away. Familiar, but not intimate. Sad, isn't it? But what is it that does draw us into fellowship with Jesus? What breaks the distance and pulls us into that deeper fellowship with Him?  I think of a line from one of my favorite praise songs, Broken Vessels: I can see it now, I can see the love in Your eyes... It's His LOVE and mercy that draws us in.

So how does this relate to my relationships at school? Well, first of all, I am not going to give up on people that keep me at an arm's length, but continue to reach out to them in love and mercy. It's so tempting to wall myself off and just be like "fine" and stay in my own little hole and do my own little thing. I'm not going to force myself on people, by no means, but I do want to keep myself open for fellowship and friendship. It matters. Secondly, call it a mid-school year resolution, but I really HAVE to be a better job of being Jesus in my school. I can't use gossip as a chance join in with a crowd, or let my bonding with others center around griping, complaining, or doing anything else negative like that, which is so tempting when you crave interacting with coworkers. I need to be SALT and LIGHT. Whoo. God stepped on my toes.

Anyways, I was just thinking about all of this, and I knew I had to capture these thoughts and put them in perspective. My problems are SO SMALL comparatively to all the prayers He hears, but I am so grateful that He's spoken to me about it.

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