I can’t say this time that I knew it, because I didn’t see it coming. Sure, I was nervous and worried, as I always am, but at my core, I wasn’t thinking this was how this pregnancy was going to go.
Today, we went to the doctor (the specialist) for a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks. After much effort, neither the doctor and the ultrasound tech could find a heartbeat. Doppler was silent, and the baby appeared to have stopped growing between 8 and 9 weeks. At 12 weeks, the heartbeat should have been clear. The doctor was gentle and caring and honest. Despite the extensive testing we have done, he feels that there is no medical reason that I should not sustain a pregnancy, and as much as it stinks to hear, it looks like a fluke, especially now that I have taken aspirin to help with the potential blood disorders and that we had made so far with an established heartbeat.
I immediately came back to work and set up taking a leave of absence, and tomorrow, I will head to my regular OB to plan out my D&C. Tonight, we shared the news with our devastated families, and we told Makinzy who is clearly hurting. My head aches, and I am emotionally drained. I am brokenhearted.
Pray for us.
Pray for me.
I am numb, and from experience I know that the days to come will be challenging to say the least, but my faith is strong. I know that He heard my prayers and father along, I’ll understand why He didn’t answer them as we had hoped. I don’t get it. I can’t pretend I understand now, or that I ever will this side of heaven. But I do know that He has not forsaken me, forgotten me, or abandoned me.
“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now”