Friday, January 11, 2013

I have been in bed.

For three days. Only one night did the tears fall. I’m just too…. I don’t know… to cry now. It seems silly to cry. It seems better to sleep. Makinzy hasn’t handled this well, and it’s made me want to hide under the sheets even more. She seems mad and sad (at me) and particular resentful that I am not up to doing the normal things. So it’s been just easier to rest. But today is the last day I’m home to do just that, so I’ve lugged myself out of bed and demanding that I join the land of the living. Last time, I tried cupcakes, and it was worthless. I am sure they won’t help me grieve. They won’t cheer me up. But it’s practice for moving forward. Having been in this dark place before, I know how easy it is to get lost in the dark, and to let darkness become the new normal. so if anything, I am working hard to keep moving. To keep living in light. To cling to hope and faith when I don’t want to. So. Cupcakes.

2 comments:

Melissa said...

So so sorry, girl. Praying for you... for comfort, for peace, for strength - for your sweet family. And for Makinzy to understand, just a little bit! :) {HUGS}

Laura Nettles said...

Anytime you need someone to eat cupcakes with and cry/vent/talk/whatever, let me know. Even now, over 8 months after losing Charlie, I still have those days. Love you.