Wednesday, July 25, 2012

An open letter regarding an “open” adoption from an open heart.

My daughter’s biological mom got our address.
Nevermind how. That’s a whole ‘nother post. it wasn’t supposed to be given to her until we were ready, but alas. Regardless, we got a letter, and she wants me to write back, which I‘d been planning to do for sometime, just waiting on the right time and the right words. Sigh… It’s gonna be long and teary, but…
Here goes:


I’ve been hoping to write you for a while now, but it has been hard to find a quiet moment to sit down and pour out all that needs to be said. Makinzy is doing great. She has grown so much, both physically and emotionally. She is not the same little girl she was in the fall. She is blossoming like a flower. She’s constantly smiling and singing. She has done so well in school, and her behavior is like night and day. I’m so proud of her and so in love. She knows where you are and wants you to get better. She tells me about things she has done with you before and things she’s seen, both good and bad. She told me not too long ago that she hated you and your mom and I hugged her and told her not to hate, but it was okay to be angry, but she needed to know that you love her and always have and always will, even if you made some bad choices along the way. I try to always explain to her that even if you made mistakes, you do love her and always have. When I told her that, she cried and I held her for a long time. I tell you all of this, not to make you upset, but because I want you to know that we are ALWAYS reminding her that you do love her and miss her. I want her to have a good sense of identity- I don’t want to push you out of her life because you are her biological mother and part of you will always be a part of her, regardless of what happens in her life, though, it is up to you as to what that looks like.
I imagine you as her cheerleader as she grows up, sending her encouragement and supporting her, backing us up as her mother and father, and reminding her of all the amazing things she can do and become. You mentioned your own mom in your letter, and you said that you always said you wouldn’t be like her. Well, you’re not. By giving Makinzy us, you are giving her something your mother never did for you. You had your grandfather, yes, and as wonderful and amazing as he is, he is a grandparent, not a mother or father. Children need parents. And, you are making an effort to change, and that is huge. And you are making progress, which is awesome. But you aren’t there quite yet. You have only been there a few months and it is a two year program. Plus, the real evidence that you have done it will be after you complete it. And I say all this with love- we believe in you, and we want you to do great. In your letter, you said to give you a chance, and we most certainly will. You have a great chance ahead of you right now as you complete this program. When you get yourself a job, a place to live that you are paying for yourself, and consistently keeping yourself clean, you will be someone Makinzy can look up to. That’s when we can start working on building a stronger relationship.
We need to talk also about the letters you’ve sent to her. When you call us by name and sign your letters “Mommy” it is confusing for her. She knows we are Mommy and Daddy now, and you are -Name-, and when it’s worded the other way around, it seems like we are just temporary babysitters until you get out, and that’s not what she needs to hear, because that’s not the case. We know that we are all on the same side… Makinzy’s. Makinzy knows we are forever. She can’t and won’t be let down again. When you are writing to her, remind her of how much we ALL love her, and tell her what you are learning. Tell her who you want to be for her so that one day she can be proud of you. She needs to know those things. Tell her what you want for her- a family that will be there for her. Even after you get out, things will be hard, and it will be for a long time. Fighting against doing the things you’ve done in the past will be a full-time job. We want to be encouragement to you as you fight that battle. We want you to see that you have given Makinzy a chance to break the cycle. Just as you swore you’d never be like your mother, Makinzy has a lot of emotions to work out, too. All the things you went through as a child with your own mother has a big chance of becoming the same things Makinzy deals with as young girl growing up, but by giving her parents and an even bigger family, you are giving her more support and more love than you can imagine and that helps stop her from making the same mistakes. I know it has to be so very hard, and I can’t say I know how it is, because I don’t. The closest pain I know is the loss I felt when we had our miscarriage, but, of course, I know that’s different in many ways. But I can say with confidence that you are doing the right thing for her, and should be proud of yourself for doing so. Your grandparents love you too, and there is nothing they want more than to see you succeed in this. You have a lot of people praying for you, including us. We are in this together for Makinzy’s sake. In the end, it all comes down to what’s best for her because we all love her. I can’t tell you how much love we have for her. She’s our pride and joy. She' lights up whenever Jake enters the room and always wants to be his helper. The way they play and laugh together will melt your heart. I know you gave birth to her, but I couldn’t love her anymore than if I did. At night, we snuggle, and I tell her “long time ago” stories about when I was a little girl. She and I have mommy/daughter dates to the library and museum and to get our nails done. She loves feeding the animals (horses and chickens) at her Nana & Poppop’s (Jake’s parents) and hunting and fishing with her Granny & Grandpaw (my parents). Of course, she loves to go visit Mawmaw Hazel and Pawpaw Tony. We’ve been working hard on learning manners like “sir and mam” and “please and thank you.” I wish I could explain how happy she is, and how amazing it feels to be a family, to hear her prayers each night thanking God for Mommy and Daddy and our home and our dogs. I can’t thank you enough for giving birth to her.
I have to be completely honest and say that a big part of me feels anger towards you for not being there for her during the past seven years, God is really working on my heart, and I have been praying for peace for you. I don’t want to feel anger- I feel a calling to be someone who prays for you, encourages you, and celebrates with you as you overcome your problems. We are teaching Makinzy about love and forgiveness in Christ, and it is my hope that one day in the future when she is grown up, she can tell you she forgives you for those first seven years, hug you, pray with you, and thank you for giving the gift of parents. I know she does, and will always love you because, as I said before, you are a part of each other.
Tony said that you wanted to get to know us, and of course, that makes total sense that you would want to know more about the parents of your biological child and so I’d love to tell you more about us. We met at church as teenagers and were instant friends. We both played in the praise and worship band. Jake’s love for God and gentlemanly ways made me swoon and we knew at a very young aged we’d get married. We dated all though high school (even though we went to separate schools) and finally, 5 years later, we got married, right after Jake graduated college and got a teaching job. We spent the first years of our marriage spending as much time together as possible. We like travelling, hiking, and camping together. Jake is a realist- he is a very logical, mathematical thinker. He likes playing softball and tennis and gardening, I’m the dreamer. I like reading and writing, bargain shopping, and painting. Adopting a child has ALWAYS been something that’s important to us. I believe all Christians should consider adoption because in James He commands us to care for the fatherless. But even more so, adoption mirrors what God’s love for us is like. We are all sinners. We all make mistakes and fall short of God’s glory. We were slaves to sin, and while we were still sinners, He adopted us as His own children so that we could be called the children of God and inherit His kingdom. (Gal. 4:4-7, Romans 5:8) It’s funny how in my mind, we’d have a few biological kids and then adopt, but that just wasn’t what God had in store for us. I have to share this with you. The moment that we heard about Tony and Makinzy, this breathlessness settled in my chest. It was like my heart literally ached for her. I looked and Jake and he looked at me and our eyes locked. We just knew this was meant to be. I was so scared. I kept thinking about you. I felt sad for you. I felt mad at you. I was scared of you, and even scared for you. I didn’t want to to think of you, but yet my heart broke for you. I cried out to God and asked Him to give me peace, and to make it clear to us what His plans for Makinzy were. I kept praying that no matter what that He would place her into the arms of the family she needed and He would help you through it. And then Tony called and said he knew we were the right family, and that you would support us. I knew that I couldn’t go through this alone with all of my worries- what would I say when Makinzy as teenager yells “you’re not my real mother” in anger because I won’t let her go out late with friends or something or how would you and I get along? Would you respect me as her real mom, even if though you gave birth to her? I had all of these fears, but it was as if God whispered in my heart “No, you can’t do this alone, but you can with Me” and I knew this was the right thing. I know this letter is incredibly long, but I wanted to pour out my whole heart, honestly. I want you to know that I am going to raise Makinzy to know you love her and care for her, and we (Jake, Makinzy, and I- the three of us) will always be cheering for you to overcome addiction and problems you face. I hope this letter has brought you comfort. When I get some pictures developed, I will send you some. I can’t make any promises just yet about Family Day. I don’t know what will be going on that day just yet, nor am I sure if we are ready for that, but I will let you know, either in a letter or through Tony. I send mine and Makinzy’s love, and hope that this letter has brought you a little bit of peace. Please remember that we are praying for you each day.

WIth love and thanks,

Psalm 147:5


Laura Nettles said...

I have tried to send this to you in Facebook TWICE, and it keeps saying it isn't responding. Satan will NOT thwart me getting this to you, so I'll try over here. :o)

I think it's a great letter, and I think it needs to be sent. I agree with one of the FB commenters about how Makinzy's biological mom is still a mom, so I had a thought. Is there a way that a "pet name" could be thought of for the bio. mom so that you are Mommy and Mak's bio. mom has a different pet name?

One other thought I had while reading your responses to some of what the mother had sent before: Does this woman recognize that you and Jake are now Mak's parents? Does she acknowledge that completing this program she's in is NOT going to cause her to get Makinzy back? I know you don't know the answers to those questions, but I throw them out there because she seems like she's never had any boundaries, and she'll probably push back against the boundaries that you and Jake have set up. Be prepared for that, but don't waver.

I admire your courage in planning to send this letter. Makinzy is so lucky to have you and Jake as her parents. ♥

Melissa said...

That is a beautiful letter, so heartfelt & sincere. I hope it does give her peace & that she receives every word with a thankful heart. xoxo