Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Never tell God “don’t”

It seems when I tell God I can’t do something or that I won’t do something, He laughs… and it’s as if He says you can and you will, and then He guides me right into it.
I’ve had some pretty dark days in the last few months, but some really bright ones, too. I’ve had to swallow that lump of jealousy, sorrow, frustration, and doubt each time I’ve heard close friends and even close family announce their pregnancies. I thought that the anger and jealousy I heard described would miss me, that my prayers and faith would be strong enough to make me immune to it, but it hit me nonetheless. So, I started to just taking it day by day. And so, I was just blank for a while. Sad. Empty. Not really bitter, but sore (and I guess I still am) in my heart. And then, the news of other’s being pregnant just sat like a load of bricks on my chest- I want(ed) to be happy for them, but such a raw, human (read: sinful) part of me is bitter and angry and jealous. God and I were taking things on a daily basis. I prayed for peace, and felt nothing but sadness. I have come to realize the beauty in the fact that I was able to recognize these feelings and know that they were toxic. So daily, I’ve sought Him, even when I was angry at Him. And I can tell healing is happening. It’s slow and painful, but progress is happening.
Before we were pregnant, Jake and I were preapproved for adoption through a Christian adoption agency. In fact, we got the pre-approval the day of my positive home test. During the overwhelming weeks of learning we were expecting to finding out we were going to miscarry, and then the miscarriage itself, we kind of hit the pause button.  The agency wanted us to pick a program, basically a country or region in which to adopt from, before proceeding to the next stage of paperwork, since different countries sometimes have different requirements. We prayed for direction; most couples we’d talked to or who’s experience we had read about noted a specific burden or calling towards a country or people of group- and we just kept hearing crickets. As we waited for guidance, something to pull us in a direction, we had the miscarriage, so life just kind of stopped. Then, Jake and I both had a few tough days at school, witnessing cases of abuse in our classrooms and seeing little/nothing done. It was if we simultaneously got this wave of peace and direction over us. We started talking about pursuing domestic adoption rather than international. And that silence we felt from God was gone. So we signed up for classes to be come Foster parents in hopes to adopt a local waiting child who would be placed in our care through the foster system. We told just a few since the classes are until after the new year. Long story short, we told a friend about God’s urging us towards domestic adoption rather than international (he has a son through international adoption and has been a great confidant and friend, especially in this area of our lives), and within that week, he happened to had a friend who was caring for a little girl who’s guardian wanted to terminate rights so she could be adopted. The grandparent, who’s age and health had prevented him from caring for her any longer, knew DSS was going to take her and put her into the system, and wanted to find a family for her- something permanent- a family she would have for the rest of her life, something she could not have staying with him. Our friend’s friend was this grandparent’s pastor, and he asked him and his wife to help him search for a family. In short, our names were mentioned, and now we have met her twice, and we are smitten. Everything is pointing at us as her future home, so right now, we are prayerfully (very, very, very prayerfully) seeking guidance to see if we are 1. able to take this child and 2. called to a take this child. I guess number 2 would take care of number one, but still, it’s a heart wrenching, soul-searching question for which we are searching for answers.
I guess the best way to sum up my life right now is by these bare facts:
- School is tough to say the least. My kids aren’t as mean this year, but much, much more obstinate. On top of it, a co-worker’s sudden passing has broken our hearts. This is the third person who has died suddenly at our school in the last three years. It’s tragic. She was only 49.
- We are still trying to get pregnant. I went to the OBGYN on Friday and he said we’d try Letrazole (what got us preggo with Baby Zion- the name means Heaven, btw- since it obviously worked) starting again in December. We’d try it for three months, and if still nothing, we’d add a “booster” drug to add to its effectiveness, and if still no BFP, we’d try an IUI next summer. He seems confidant and I trust his expertise. I’m not stressing over the whole infertility mess. It won’t help, plus I have a lot of other things going on to distract me.
- We still want to move, but that will just have to wait until the right home comes available and the timing is right, so maybe in a few years. We have three bedrooms, so we are okay for now… just going to have to patient in that department.
- On top of it all, we might be adopting (and soon) a sweet seven year old. Yes, I may be a mom before I know it.
-Yes, you read that right. We are going to keep trying to get pregnant in the middle of adopting a child. Adoption for us has *Never* be a back~up plan for children- but something we would do additionally to having children the “natural” way… And this sweetheart would be an amazing big sister.
Yes, I know how crazy this all sounds. Her adoption (if we do end up doing this) would be open, which is something I never, ever would have dreamed I’ could do, much less adopt a child her age. It’s all so scary and overwhelming.  Sometimes I want to rewind back to summer time and just relish in the simplicity I didn’t realize I had. But that whisper I’ve heard in my soul for so long saying “Briana, I’ve got big plans for you” leads me to this… Sometimes He calls us to be radical. And no matter how crazy it seems to my rational, human mind, I’m going to listen to him… And right now, we are listening for wisdom, guidance, and direction. We are taking it one day at a time, getting to know this little girl and trying to adjust into the role of parents, hoping and praying for clarity that we are doing the right thing. Pray for us. Regardless of the outcome, I have a feeling my life is about to get even more crazy, and even more beautiful!

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I actually just had a major meltdown tonight after finding out one of my best friends is pregnant. And i am so happy for her. Just frustrated because she is probably the 10th person i've heard this news from & NONE of them were even TTC!! I really am genuinely happy for them - i just want to join the crowd... So thank you for the first part.

SOOOO exciting that you may become a family to this sweet little girl! I will keep you in my constant prayers concerning that & your TTC journey. :)