Friday, August 07, 2009

Looking up.

Good news! Patience and prayer came through for me as always and things are finally looking up. After a big meltdown and a whole lot a tears, it finally dawned on me that I tend to confuse "faith" with "worry." I think that if I put off consciously dwelling on something, I've "given it to God" or I'm having "faith," but in reality. I have tendency to carry crap around with me, sucking it up and trying to be strong, making myself believe it's faith holding me together, when it's really me just trying to hold it all on own shoulders... and if I'd actually let go, the weight wouldn't be on my shoulders in the first place. Daddy kind of put it the best way- I need to learn to lay what's troubling my heart onto the alter... just place it at His feet and walk away... but NOOOO, I always seem to place my troubles on the alter, then turn right around & pick them right back up. I don't know how to leave things to Him, but I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm praying that God shows me how stop trying to handle things on my own. I know He put trials in my life for the purpose of bringing me closer to Him, not to prove how *strong* I am- because I'm not that strong at all! Oh, Lord, why did You make me so stubborn & headstrong? I need You. Help me let go and have faith in your ability to take care of me and all the worries on my heart. Amen...

After I had a real good cry (and Hubby's shirt was nicely covered in snot & tears) and we talked about all the above, I kinda felt better, I sighed and started living by Matthew 6:24, taking it day at a time. I told myself to just focus on one day, and it's helped.
Since my last post, thing are actually looking up.

My lovely laptop, Dora (as in computadora, which is Spanish for computer) is not so sick anymore. After days of continuous CPR, countless virus scans, spyware and adaware removal, and prayer (of course), she has been revived and is back up & running splendidly. Thank goodness. We sure didn't have the money for a new one, much less a repairman.
Secondly, my father in law may be getting a truck this week and will be back to work. That's a whole 'nother blessing right there.
I found out from Financial Aid that one of the department heads is actually fighting for me & some other students to receive the funds for the money we apparently missed out, so it's still possible for me to get that $5000 I thought I'd missed out on. And besides that, I filled out a FASFA again (those forms are a beast!!!) and since we are only on Hubby's lowly teacher salary (since Lordy knows teachers make dang near enough to qualify for food stamps; believe me- I'm actually thinking of applying for them!), we actually earn enough for me to qualify for a Pell Grant, which is $5300 of government aid we don't have to pay back for school. Oh, thank heavens, I said, when I realized this financial nightmare is almost over. I won't stop being a little nervous about it all until the money is verified on my student account, but for now, I'm at peace knowing all hope is not lost. :)
On top of things, we're getting to go with our friends Heather & Chase to the mountains, up to Sliding Rock. It's gonna be a whole heck of a lot of fun, I think, as long as I don't do like I did on a Youth Trip to Gatlinburg back when I was 16, riding a mechanical bull and busting my tailbone when I landed. It hurt so bad I didn't get out of bed the rest of the trip. Mama practically had to carry me to the bathroom, it hurt so bad. I still struggle to sit on hard surfaces for very long because of that. And a hospital bill is all we need right now.

So, yeah. No, things aren't perfect. My Daddy still has cancer, my computer still has some weird alerts popping up, and we're still poor, but, things are looking up.
Better yet, I'm looking up more. I'm looking up to my Father for strength instead of looking in the mirror, trying to deal with my life on my own, knowing good and well I just can't do it. And to know He can and will be by my side no matter how things are going is more than I ever deserve!!!

Oh!!! PS- Get EXCITED! I found out I'm doing part I of my student teaching with 6th Grade Social Studies! AND Hubby's aunt is a teacher & just retired and had us load up our car with stuff from her classroom this week, so I've already got BOXES of stuff just waiting for my future classroom! I'm so ready to teach! Not only because it means we won't be so poor anymore, but because I'll be doing what I'm CALLED to do! Oh, I can't wait to meet my 6th graders this fall! <3


Melissa Venable said...

That is so awesome! I'm glad things are coming together! :) i can't wait to read more!

Carolina Girl said...

So glad things are looking up! Thinking about you!! xoxo