I love those moments when I hear God. I've been on what I'll call a dry spell when it comes to my relationship with Christ here lately and I've been struggling to figure out why. I figured it was partially the fact that we've had plans or commitments or something happen to cause us to miss a lot of church over the past month, but I knew it was something more. My problem is I think I've had my head in the sand. I've been asking and asking for Him to "draw me nearer" and make me feel "connected" again, but I've been unwilling to put my guard down and truly listen to His conviction in my heart. I wanted closeness without having to do the work- the soul-searching, listening, praying, confessing, and acknowledging- that He's requiring of me. For some reason, thinking about Jon and Kate Plus 8 (random, I know) got me thinking and it all some how became clear. We don't have cable so I was trying to piece together what happened tonite on the season premiere by watching Hulu & Youtube videos and it struck me that they seem to try to live a Christian life, yet it's not like their marriage is currently reflecting what godly husbands and wives do. Of course, I'm no biblical expert or marriage counselor, but it looks pretty obvious that Kate's need for all the glitz, glam, and status of being a celeb and her harsh attitude, plus Jon's self-centered views and general slackness has put them on a downward spiral. I thought to myself, "why can't they acknowledge their own failures? They've fallen off the horse in how they treat one another, got so caught up in being a TV show and being parents and it's put distance between them!" I realized as soon as that thought came through my head that in many ways, I could have easily been talking about myself in terms of my faith. Why can't I acknowledge my failures? My sins? My pure and simple humanity that makes me the unworthy sinner that I am? I've gotten so caught up in my life that I've neglected something so important. I've let myself get into the habit of thinking that short conversations with God on Sunday mornings are suffice, and that's just not the case. I need to be constantly telling Him of my struggles, my worries, my hopes and joys... asking His forgiveness for the mistakes I make each day, the strength I need to be the best person I can be, and the courage to do the things He'd have me do. My life needs to be a constant conversation with Him, and I've somehow let myself stop listening to Him so much, and I've stopped talking to Him in all that I do. Wow. I feel closer to Him already. I have been blessed by God in so many ways. I have people who love me deeply, a loving husband and family, supportive and fun friends, a nice home, a budding career, a precious dog, a bright future- and I can't even take the time to really talk to Him and lay everything that's on my heart at His feet?
Lord, I'm acknowledging the fact that sometimes, I really suck at this. I forget, I get self-righteous and selfish, thinking my wonderful life is a result of my own deserving or my own work. I forget that everything that I am and everything I have is all because of You and You're love for me, and it's wrong of me. I am Yours. Imperfect and flawed, and I know You love me anyways. Help me to feel Your presence in my heart and help me remember to keep talking and listening to You. Continue to lead me down the paths You'd have me take, and help me let Your light and Your love reflect through me. I love you.