Friday, May 22, 2009

Home Improvement gone horribly wrong!

Ok, so I have had an indescribable day- and you really have to hear this one.

Last night, Jake & I stayed out on the porch late talking like when did when we were dating and it was sooo wonderful. I don't know if it was all the talking had my mind going nonstop or if it was the coffee we drank, but some reason, I barely slept last night. Instead of laying there and flopping like a fish all morning, I got up with Jake, made his breakfast, and watched the sun come up with him. So sweet.. a great morning together! After he went to work, I got dressed, did some laundry, finally worked on those flower beds around the pool, and went to Wal-mart to check the price of wood stain. I went to the tanning bed, came back, put on an old (but favorite) bathing suit and on top a sundress (that Jake ruined last night by splashing chlorine on, Jake! ) and went out to stain the wood on the back patio- the ceiling and the poles. Everything was going fine- it was a slow and tedious job to use the rag and slowly wipe the stain across the wood, trying not to get the stain on the patio cement- but I was doing fine. The ceiling, however, was much more difficult. I tried using a roller like you would with paint, but it splattered! So I rushed around trying to wipe up my mess to no avail. Then I tried a paint brush, but it dripped too. Back to square one. It was taking forever and very hard to do, so I tried to stand on the patio table, hoping being closer would make it easier, but sadly, I just ended up wacking my head really hard on the ceiling fan. I got down, and went back to standing on the chair an using a rag damped with the Minwax stain. I looked down at my hands and realized I wasn't wearing gloves so I freaked out and went and washed my hands to see if it would come off. I scrubbed like crazy, and it did, but barely. I went back out, put on gloves this time, and started again. Then, out of no where these 2 giant carpenter bees tag-teamed me and I nearly fell, spilling the can of stain on my bathing suit, my dress, me, my face and skin, the patio, everywhere... I held in a few expletives and ran inside, leaving a trail of Minwax hand prints and oily residue along the way. I jumped into the shower, clothes and all, and started scrubbing like the dickens... like until my skin was about to peel off. It was horrid. That stupid stain was on everything. Ugh- why did I have to do this? I finally got decently clean (meaning I still have massive brown stains all over my body), so I went to do damage control, both in the house and at the patio. I used some baby wipes to wipe down the stains on the sink, counter, tile, and tub, and piled up all the stained fabrics (I ruined 3 towels and 5 wash clothes, plus the dress and bathing suit) and headed outside. I hosed off the patio, used Lysol spray to get some of the splatter off the siding that frames the patio and "man cave" and got a trashbag to throw it all away. I quit. The patio wasn't even half stained. I went inside to clean myself up again after I worked outside fixing my mess (this included getting the stains off the broom, the hose pipe, the spicket, the table, even the door handle... it was so bad) and I realized glancing out the bedroom window that I left some dark oily hand prints on the siding at the roof line facing the house. I went out with the Lysol bottle to get it off, and standing on a chair again, I went to work. Suddenly those stupid carpenter bees came back to finish me off, and I was mad. I sprayed and chased them with that Lysol bottle, only making them madder. They eventually flew off. The inside and the back patio was finally decently cleaned up, and so was I. I pouted for a second, then I heard Bella whine, so I went to take her for a walk and realized that she had vomited in her house, making the utility room smell horrible. I cleaned up that mess and used some of those waterless doggie bath wipes and cleaned her up, too. Could anything else go wrong?! I was about to call it a day and go to bed or something, but I changed my mind, put on a different bathing suit, got myself a book, a towel, a water bottle, my phone, and my laptop and headed out. I sat my stuff down, & I got a beach chair out of the pool house, who was waiting for me but one of those STUPID carpenter bees again! I ran out of the pool house screaming, nearly falling face first out the door as I tripped on the curtain that hides the inside of the pool house. I was about to really give up and just sit on a towel, but I tried it again and managed to get the chair out without getting stung. I sat up the chair, laid a towel on it, and sat down with my laptop, getting ready to tell this very story. Suddenly, BAM. The chair collapsed beneath me and my tailbone ached about as bad as it did when I broke it riding that mechanical bull! I held on to my laptop, fixed the chair and now here I am, alive and in one piece. I just hope all of me and my stuff make in back in the house in one piece. God, what a day. I swear, if someone had a video of this entire afternoon, I'd be on America's Funniest Videos, winning the big bucks.

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Never again will I touch wood stain.

I've decided that home improvement sucks. And so do bees. I find it awfully ironic how I just mentioned the fact that I have always doodled little bumblebees on everything (since my nickname has been Breezy B for quite sometime)... yeah, um... never again. I officially hate them with a deep, burning passion.

Oh, and PS- I did notice that neighbor Bill's lady friend SPENT THE NIGHT. This morning went I went out to work on the flower beds, I noticed that they were curled up on the porch swing that folds out into a futon on his back patio... and they were sound asleep and covered with blankets. It was just after sunrise, and obvious that they had been there all night!! HOW WEIRD! He finally gets a girlfriend and he makes her sleep outside? Bless his heart...


Danielle said...

Darlin'! You need margaritas tout suite!!!

Black said...

You poor thing! At least that's all over! Those carpenter bees used to put wood shavings all over my car so I feel your pain :-) Hope your weekend was good.