So, let me start at the beginning. Or what most closely resembles one.
Thursday, I had a melt down. I mean, A BAWLING MY EYES OUT, CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING, SNOTTY NOSED, RED EYED, and SOBBING sort of melt down... On I-77, none the less.
I called my mama and did what any girl would do, cry to her! I think I scared her at first, but after my first few sobs, she told me she knew this was coming....
I have been so frustrated with a particular friend, well many of them, to be honest. I have heard "Well, everything will change after you're married!" so much... It's like these friends think I die after I say I do! NOT SO! I'll need them even more, but yet, so many of them are turning their backs on me, like they are expecting the friendship to be over all of a sudden! Its not fair, and its not true. And hurtful. Especially, one friend in particular... let's call her Sally. So, Sally and I have been friends for a while now and we are very close, at least to me. I have depended on her maturity, encouraging words, Christian spirit, and honest heart to get me through alot in the past year. Her prayers, her hugs.... she's been everything to me. But now, Sally has changed. In the past year, especially since last Christmas, she is constantly being a nay-sayer. If I say up, she says down, she's argumentative and distant. And I feel so hurt, like I lost her, and I so depended on her and her faith to help me and she let me down.
Plus, on Thursday I pretty much flunked both my Spanish and my Econ tests and I just felt like giving up, school SUCKS. I've been freaking out about these grades and this only made it worst. I went to church Wednesday nite and so I had this crazy idea that God would make up for my lack of study time and help me do well anyways and when I didn't do well, I was angry at God. My mama made a good point that made me swallow that anger.... God's not supposed to 'reward' me for being faithful and worshiping Him at church.... THATS MY JOB AS HIS CHILD. And I was like..whoa.. I am pretty selfish and just some measly little sinner....
On top of that feeling, I was pretty frustrated with God about life... I felt like I was reaching for God and He was ignoring me.... (but I see know He just answered those prayers in other ways.) I also have been dealing with grief... This time last year, my grandpaw's health began its quick decline and it will be our first Thanksgiving without him. I am still grieving him and my emotions about it only added to my tears! I was just upset and crying out at this point!
I felt stressed from school, the wedding, my friends, my desire for perfection, my faith, everything... I erupted!
But, by the grace of God, I have been given a mother that is always ready with a heart of unfaultering love and wisdom. She comforted me. Told me the truth. Loved me. Soothed me. and prayed for me. I had a splitting headache, but after 30 miles and a trillion tears later, I was better. I have no idea how I got from Rock Hill to Charlotte, driving with tear-filled eyes in the evening rush of i-77... but I pulled into Harris Teeter, just as I hung up with mama. I went inside and picked up groceries so I could cook dinner for Jake and I felt renewed. Even when my life overflowed with stress, anxiety, worry, and such... LOVE gets me through! Love from my parents, Jake, CHRIST... loving others even "Sally" and others that disapoint me... LOVE is my tissue when I cry, my fortress when I am scared, and my hug at the end of a long day!
I had a very uplifting Sunday. AO was great. Jake and I worked through some communication problems. WE GOT OUR ENGAGEMENT PICTURES BACK (and they are fabulous!)... I spent the weekend with my mind on love!
My biggest fears right now are time and money... b/c we went to do the final walk through before we sign the papers for the house and we realized that time is ticking and we have alot of plans ahead... moving, getting the house ready, jobs, making the bills! It's so scarry! Jake came to me with some of his own fears, about if we would be able to make it through the next 6 months, financially speaking. (keep in mind we are making a house payment, furnishing it, moving, paying for a honeymoon, school, and both only working one day a week at a part time job) I have this huge fear too, but faith is getting me through. Tonight at AO, our guest speaker told us about how she and her husband (a minister) stuggled whenever he was trying finish seminary. She said that on paper, they weren't making it and shouldnt be paying the bills, but because they were obeying Him and going His way, He was faithful and brought them through. I know it's gonna be the same with us. God would not have lead us here if we couldn't do it. He says he will not lead down any path without helping you through it!!!
So, with this new week, and this new month , this is my goal. FAITH! To be faithful that God will guide us and help us, and to be the most faithful, helpful, loving wife for Jake and to be everything I can be for him. We'll make it I know it.