Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm a mess.


So, it's Monday and I am in a mood. A friend of mine, well... for lack of a more tactful phrase.... pissed me off. This guy is always cocky (always has been...I am used to his attitude, and I am pretty sure by now he knows my attention to detail, and he knows my personality well.) But, anyways, I won't go into details, but what happened is that I basically did a favor for this friend, and he proceeded to pull this cocky, all business thing, and frankly, it hurt my feelings and made me ANGRY.

As if Mondays aren't gross enough, with having a late class and all.

At least I saw Dr. Silverman today. Dr. Silverman is perhaps the single most amazing professor on the entire planet. Period. The man can lecture for hours and yet, I hardly EVER find myself looking down to my watch... He makes history come alive! I sit there, starry-eyed in each class. I just swoon at his teaching skills, philosophy, knowledge, and ability to inspire me! Everyday I see him, I get 1) a compliment, like "You look so pretty today!" (which always makes my day better...) 2) He tells me not to give up; that I am goning to be a great teacher, and 3) that he will always be there to support, help, guide, and encourage me... HOW REFRESHING IS THAT? I swear, that man was placed on this earth by God to help me through the experience they call college!

I am trying to make it through this week (3 major tests, a paper, and a HUGE oral presentation in stinkin' SPANISH) with this weeks Bible study in mind. I want to give God my BEST. Not just what I want to call my best, and not just what's easy or convenient, but my absolute best. I need to stop getting so wrapped up in wedding details (and enjoy the whole idea and process of becoming husband and wife, focusing on the LOVE that brought us together), quit freaking out over school, my grades, my plans, my career (and enjoy college, instead of wishing it away), and start being the Briana that God made me to be, instead of the world's idea of me. I admit it, I am an over-achieving, uber-busy, self-proclaimed expert in all things good and happy, and IT IS KILLING ME. To sum it up (haha), I am so busy trying to do my best, I am missing the point and doing a sloppy job! Instead of focusing on my heart, it's like I am filling out a resume for God, when all He wants is the real ME! I don't think this post will make sense to anyone but me. LOL. But, who cares, I am the only one I blog for... for myself. It's theraputic, and I get to watch myself grow an change.
I am really trying to be my best. In school, in life, and in my walk with Christ. But it's so hard. I keep stumbling over my own two feet... and I know it's because I get distracted by everything that's going on in my world. I am working to change that. So many people who I call friends don't know me. Like ME, me... The deepest, most vunerable, inner-most part of my spirit, that God created and made unique. I put on this facade of perfect life, when in reality, it's a ROLLER COASTER! I am not saying I am not happy, because I am! So very happy! I have more than I could ever dream of.... friends, family, Jake, Christ, hope, love, a future.... but I cover my flaws with the facade of perfection. Make sense?
I think this predicament is why I desire to be with Jake constantly. He has seen the part of me I keep buried, same with my mama. She has seen me at my WORST. Maybe even Ashley, Tabitha, and Whitney. But so few people have seen this aspect of me.
I am babbling. But I guess that's appropriate, considering it's the perfect reflection of my mindset... CHAOS! My heart and my head just feel like exploding sometimes. I need a hug. lol.... I need MY GRANNY. I miss her. I want her here... God, sometimes I get so angry with You for taking her, but I know... I know...

To do lists, asking God why, trying to make sense of the world and accept what I can't change, and ACTUALLY WORKING to change the things I can. Being my BEST.... my head is spinning and my heart is full of too many feelings. But, it's okay. God can take me paint spills and make a rainbow....

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