Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Politics

I've always thought of politics in terms of opposites. Red, Blue. Left, Right. Democrat or Republican. But, I think I am really beginning have an ephiany about it all.
My simplistic understanding of Americans politics changed drastically when I met Jake, who was the first person to make me see that my views where my own choice, not what color state I was born into, nor the party affiliation of my childhood household. Then, I came to college. My view of politics suddenly didn't consist of merely blue and red, but PURPLE, GREEN, YELLOW, ORANGE.... and taking PLSC 201 only made me open my eyes further into the complexity of American politics and the plague of bipartisonship. It was.... life changing. In watching the nightly news tonight, I watched a Campaign '08 segment and I thought about faith, politics, and Republicans. I have always though of myself as conservative and now I see a little libertarian in me, too. But, now, Repulicans like many in my family are scratching my head, because there is no real clear conservative canidate this time. The Republicans are very left, the Democrats are more right than I can ever recall, and it's perplexing. Many people of faith, particulary Christians who oppose abortion and homosexuality, are stumped at what to do. We usually vote based on who holds our moral values most closely, but now, at least to me, it's not clear who that canidate is. Maybe this is a good thing? Think of George W. The reason he had my support as a president came from his moral platform, yet he has left the country in disarray and not lead us to any solutions for education, healthcare, energy, etc... we as CHRISTIANS are voting on morals, not for our nation's well being. Maybe its a good thing there is no clear Christian, pro-life, anti-homosexuality, moral canidate to take that majority vote, maybe that's what's got us here. We live in a country that prides itself on freedom, especially the freedom of religion. It was the foundation on which we were founded! I think it's time we took our own advise, and "free" our votes of religion, too. We need to focus on the issues that affect our nation, like healthcare, energy, social security, the list goes on, and let religion be personal. I would LOVE it if every leader, every expert, everyone who I depend on to take charge held my same Christian values, but the Bible says the road is narrow and not many will take it. That being said, we need to let politicians have the same freedom we do, to be whatever religion they want, and appropriate our votes based on the issues we face as a country.
Wow. I just wrote an essay because I wanted to. Isn't blogging beautiful?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

making it.

time is slipping out of my hands.
we are getting the house a whole month sooner than we expected! its exciting but scary!! we have our first payment due 12/10....right in the middle of my finals.
i am overbooked and over committed. i just wanna go to school, work on my house, go to work and church, spend time with the people i love, and plan this wedding. i am trying to keep my goal in mind--- FAITH. it's all gonna be okay. it's all gonna work out.

i am also making peace with the fact that some friends just aren't dedicated. period. that's okay, i am gonna love them anyways, even when i think they hurt me and don't deserve it or whatever. i mean, isn't that a Christian responsibilites...unconditional love????

and plus, i am seeing more and more who will be there for me for the long hall.... whitney is unbelievable. she's honest, loving, responsible, and real. she cares and she always tries. she is the picture of a real friend. and it means so much to me....
and true friendship comes from folks you sometimes least expect.... encouraging words from friends i didn't expect to notice my need... and wow, what an amazing thing to hear!

i am still scared and nervous. stressed, worried, and busy.

but i KNOW i am blessed, and i am happy. most certainly happy.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

PS....

Happy Veteran's Day...by the way!!!

<3

Love restores me

So, let me start at the beginning. Or what most closely resembles one.
Thursday, I had a melt down. I mean, A BAWLING MY EYES OUT, CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING, SNOTTY NOSED, RED EYED, and SOBBING sort of melt down... On I-77, none the less.
I called my mama and did what any girl would do, cry to her! I think I scared her at first, but after my first few sobs, she told me she knew this was coming....
I have been so frustrated with a particular friend, well many of them, to be honest. I have heard "Well, everything will change after you're married!" so much... It's like these friends think I die after I say I do! NOT SO! I'll need them even more, but yet, so many of them are turning their backs on me, like they are expecting the friendship to be over all of a sudden! Its not fair, and its not true. And hurtful. Especially, one friend in particular... let's call her Sally. So, Sally and I have been friends for a while now and we are very close, at least to me. I have depended on her maturity, encouraging words, Christian spirit, and honest heart to get me through alot in the past year. Her prayers, her hugs.... she's been everything to me. But now, Sally has changed. In the past year, especially since last Christmas, she is constantly being a nay-sayer. If I say up, she says down, she's argumentative and distant. And I feel so hurt, like I lost her, and I so depended on her and her faith to help me and she let me down.
Plus, on Thursday I pretty much flunked both my Spanish and my Econ tests and I just felt like giving up, school SUCKS. I've been freaking out about these grades and this only made it worst. I went to church Wednesday nite and so I had this crazy idea that God would make up for my lack of study time and help me do well anyways and when I didn't do well, I was angry at God. My mama made a good point that made me swallow that anger.... God's not supposed to 'reward' me for being faithful and worshiping Him at church.... THATS MY JOB AS HIS CHILD. And I was like..whoa.. I am pretty selfish and just some measly little sinner....
On top of that feeling, I was pretty frustrated with God about life... I felt like I was reaching for God and He was ignoring me.... (but I see know He just answered those prayers in other ways.) I also have been dealing with grief... This time last year, my grandpaw's health began its quick decline and it will be our first Thanksgiving without him. I am still grieving him and my emotions about it only added to my tears! I was just upset and crying out at this point!
I felt stressed from school, the wedding, my friends, my desire for perfection, my faith, everything... I erupted!
But, by the grace of God, I have been given a mother that is always ready with a heart of unfaultering love and wisdom. She comforted me. Told me the truth. Loved me. Soothed me. and prayed for me. I had a splitting headache, but after 30 miles and a trillion tears later, I was better. I have no idea how I got from Rock Hill to Charlotte, driving with tear-filled eyes in the evening rush of i-77... but I pulled into Harris Teeter, just as I hung up with mama. I went inside and picked up groceries so I could cook dinner for Jake and I felt renewed. Even when my life overflowed with stress, anxiety, worry, and such... LOVE gets me through! Love from my parents, Jake, CHRIST... loving others even "Sally" and others that disapoint me... LOVE is my tissue when I cry, my fortress when I am scared, and my hug at the end of a long day!

So, post-meltdown.
I had a very uplifting Sunday. AO was great. Jake and I worked through some communication problems. WE GOT OUR ENGAGEMENT PICTURES BACK (and they are fabulous!)... I spent the weekend with my mind on love!
My biggest fears right now are time and money... b/c we went to do the final walk through before we sign the papers for the house and we realized that time is ticking and we have alot of plans ahead... moving, getting the house ready, jobs, making the bills! It's so scarry! Jake came to me with some of his own fears, about if we would be able to make it through the next 6 months, financially speaking. (keep in mind we are making a house payment, furnishing it, moving, paying for a honeymoon, school, and both only working one day a week at a part time job) I have this huge fear too, but faith is getting me through. Tonight at AO, our guest speaker told us about how she and her husband (a minister) stuggled whenever he was trying finish seminary. She said that on paper, they weren't making it and shouldnt be paying the bills, but because they were obeying Him and going His way, He was faithful and brought them through. I know it's gonna be the same with us. God would not have lead us here if we couldn't do it. He says he will not lead down any path without helping you through it!!!
So, with this new week, and this new month , this is my goal. FAITH! To be faithful that God will guide us and help us, and to be the most faithful, helpful, loving wife for Jake and to be everything I can be for him. We'll make it I know it.

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'm a mess.


So, it's Monday and I am in a mood. A friend of mine, well... for lack of a more tactful phrase.... pissed me off. This guy is always cocky (always has been...I am used to his attitude, and I am pretty sure by now he knows my attention to detail, and he knows my personality well.) But, anyways, I won't go into details, but what happened is that I basically did a favor for this friend, and he proceeded to pull this cocky, all business thing, and frankly, it hurt my feelings and made me ANGRY.

As if Mondays aren't gross enough, with having a late class and all.

At least I saw Dr. Silverman today. Dr. Silverman is perhaps the single most amazing professor on the entire planet. Period. The man can lecture for hours and yet, I hardly EVER find myself looking down to my watch... He makes history come alive! I sit there, starry-eyed in each class. I just swoon at his teaching skills, philosophy, knowledge, and ability to inspire me! Everyday I see him, I get 1) a compliment, like "You look so pretty today!" (which always makes my day better...) 2) He tells me not to give up; that I am goning to be a great teacher, and 3) that he will always be there to support, help, guide, and encourage me... HOW REFRESHING IS THAT? I swear, that man was placed on this earth by God to help me through the experience they call college!

I am trying to make it through this week (3 major tests, a paper, and a HUGE oral presentation in stinkin' SPANISH) with this weeks Bible study in mind. I want to give God my BEST. Not just what I want to call my best, and not just what's easy or convenient, but my absolute best. I need to stop getting so wrapped up in wedding details (and enjoy the whole idea and process of becoming husband and wife, focusing on the LOVE that brought us together), quit freaking out over school, my grades, my plans, my career (and enjoy college, instead of wishing it away), and start being the Briana that God made me to be, instead of the world's idea of me. I admit it, I am an over-achieving, uber-busy, self-proclaimed expert in all things good and happy, and IT IS KILLING ME. To sum it up (haha), I am so busy trying to do my best, I am missing the point and doing a sloppy job! Instead of focusing on my heart, it's like I am filling out a resume for God, when all He wants is the real ME! I don't think this post will make sense to anyone but me. LOL. But, who cares, I am the only one I blog for... for myself. It's theraputic, and I get to watch myself grow an change.
I am really trying to be my best. In school, in life, and in my walk with Christ. But it's so hard. I keep stumbling over my own two feet... and I know it's because I get distracted by everything that's going on in my world. I am working to change that. So many people who I call friends don't know me. Like ME, me... The deepest, most vunerable, inner-most part of my spirit, that God created and made unique. I put on this facade of perfect life, when in reality, it's a ROLLER COASTER! I am not saying I am not happy, because I am! So very happy! I have more than I could ever dream of.... friends, family, Jake, Christ, hope, love, a future.... but I cover my flaws with the facade of perfection. Make sense?
I think this predicament is why I desire to be with Jake constantly. He has seen the part of me I keep buried, same with my mama. She has seen me at my WORST. Maybe even Ashley, Tabitha, and Whitney. But so few people have seen this aspect of me.
I am babbling. But I guess that's appropriate, considering it's the perfect reflection of my mindset... CHAOS! My heart and my head just feel like exploding sometimes. I need a hug. lol.... I need MY GRANNY. I miss her. I want her here... God, sometimes I get so angry with You for taking her, but I know... I know...

To do lists, asking God why, trying to make sense of the world and accept what I can't change, and ACTUALLY WORKING to change the things I can. Being my BEST.... my head is spinning and my heart is full of too many feelings. But, it's okay. God can take me paint spills and make a rainbow....

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I give this day to You

I woke up this morning because of the cars. Around 6 or 7-ish, the noise grows as everyone heads off for the morning commute. It's not that loud, but you notice the horns, trucks, especially in a light sleep. So, I am up an hour earlier than I really need to be. It's okay, it's relaxing. I like extra time so I can really give the day to go and talk to Him. A good conversation, too. I am tired of having conversations with Him in passing, kinda like just whenever I get two seconds in my busy day to just say hello. He is my Father, He know every part of me and every detail that makes me the person I am and despite my flaws, He loves it. All of it. Unconditionally. Yet, I'm like, "sorry, Big Guy, I am reallllllly busy right now...." That make's absolutely no sense. My world should revolve around Him, not Him around my world which it tends to do. So, God, since I know He hears me, I give this day to You. Make me listen to You, see You in all things, make each thing I do full of Your Spirit. Amen.

I am tired of Winthrop. It's that move off campus thing again. I need to get away! This place suffocates me. I have too much to do and no desire to do any of it. I bought another issue of Modern Bride last night at Walgreens. Whoops. Big mistake. It was much better than my CRTW paper. My own procrastination kicks me in the butt alot, but I usually enjoy whatever it is I am doing instead. :) I talked to the florist and booked him and got my homework.... to look for pictures of what I would like for my flowers and such, hence the Modern Bride... I am so ready for this wedding. I spent Thurs night-Sunday with Jake this weekend. I felt cold waking up alone on Monday morning in the dorm. It's amazing how reassurng it is to fall asleep on your best friend and wake up each morning, starting your day with his kiss. One more day til Wednesday...

The house is also worrying me. God, I need Your help hereeee. The owner is being slow and a little slack about getting this contract signed and finished. I wish we could just get that done. It makes me nervous. But, I am trusting You, Lord, to take care of this, help us along, keep this working out, and give me patience that only You can. I need to stop worrying, I just want all of our hopes to not be in vain. Let me know You have this in Your Hands, God... show me that I can stop worrying and that it will alll fall in place.

I need to go take a shower. I just wish it was in our new tub in the house and not these icky dorm showers (grosssss) and get ready for la clase de espanol. God, help me there, too!


Yeah, I am okay. I am tired, lazy, and worried, but blessed with a heart that sometimes I thik will explode with true, amazing, unconditional love. It's gonna be a good day. I know it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

butterflies

This one I must keep short. I am getting ready to go to do my stinkin' observations. I hate getting up so early, but, ehhh, such is the life of an education major. I am back at the WU now, just for a few days. I am so glad I got to have dinner with my teacher last night, we talked for like 4 hours and she said she was really proud of me. Her opinion means alot to me, so it makes me happy to know I am doing well.
I have this nervous, butterfly-like feeling in the pit of my stomach about the rest of this year and such. Life is passing by so quickly. If its going so fast now, I can't imagine how fast it will seem to me when I am old! I don't wanna blink!

I am also kinda wigging out about my Spanish test, as usual.

And, I have had some shots for vaccines since I will be traveling to the DR with 25 of my closest pals (haha) and I had to get two of them yesterday. I swear I think my arms are gonna fall off. I am weak and achy and my arms are useless. LOL.

So, in conclusion.... my arms are wobbly, my nerves are finicky, BUT my spirit is as strong as ever. ;)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Big News!

Big Time Update!
Jake (that would be my other half, by the way) and I found a house!
It's a 3 bed/ 2 ba brick house with a garage and pool! I am so incredibly happy about it. Things seem to be working out. We are working on signing a contract right now. I can't wait to see that for sale sign come down and our autographs on that contract! It's absolutely perfect.
Our parents are doing well with the idea. I truly have been bracing myself for the apron strings to get tighter....I assumed out parents (especially mine) would be struggling more with letting go, but they are all being so supportive. I feel so blessed!
I really feel like I am getting to a crossroads in my life. I feel like I have grown up. Yeah, I'm still young and probably naive about many, many things. But, still. I feel like I am actually an adult with those responsibilities. I also feel like it's time to pull away from Winthrop, too. I am way too involved and committed to things I can't put on my priority list. I have bigger fish to fry these days. It's kinda difficult to say sorry guys I gotta quit this program, I have to be a wife and pay for a house, but I am gonna have to. I am not a college girl anymore. I can only spread myself so thin. So, that being said, I am changing things around.
Planning my wedding has gotten shoved to the back burner, I have been so busy being involved with this, that, and the other. I met with my AMAZING wedding coordinator yesterday. I now have a huge to do list for that, and I can't get behind on it. I am focusing more on my academics, too.
So here is the new game plan:
-Christ
-loved one
-academics
-house/wedding plans
-social life/involvements
In that order, too. I am not Superwoman. I refuse to try to be anymore. There.

I am on Fall Break right now. It's nice to get away from campus. It reminds me of how much I will enjoy being a commuter and getting away more often. Living on campus was great, but I feel suffocated having to always be there. Getting to come back to my own home every evening is going to do wonders for my attitude. Which is another thing I have been working on. I have made a goal to be overall more positive (inside and out) and it seems to be working.
I am gonna have dinner with my high school English teacher tomorrow. I'm excited about it. I will always think of her as another mother-figure in my life and I can't wait to share with her all of my big news, my goals, plans, sucesses and failures.

Life is really good these days. I am happy, and pretty proud of myself for trying to do my best.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

morning

i'm sorta running late this morning. even though i woke up before my alarm went off, which i seem to be doing alot lately. i did some chores, and for some reason, getting ready forces me to realize i must actually go to class (la clase de espanol es el diablo!)and go take my test. :( blah.

last night, a photography friend of mine took me to dark room. it was really neat. i kinda felt like a kid asking so many questions, but it was fun. we set the date for our engagement pics. i can't wait....

so much stuff is happening in my life. sometimes i wonder if i'll wake up and i'll still be a 7th grader, clinging to my pillow in my old bedroom. other times, i wonder if i blink, will 20 years go flying by? funny how time messes with my head.

i am working on bettering myself. i've set some new goals. my main one is a positive attitude, which if any of my close friends read this, they'd know it seems odd that someone as bubbly as me needs a more positive attitude. but it's true. sometimes being tired, over-booked, over-worked, and sleepless makes me sour, and i show it too much. so my goal is to look at even the biggest challenges and obsticales as a positive thing.

despite this ridiculously hard test i may fail, it's gonna be a good day. :)

Monday, October 08, 2007

Just another manic Monday

So, I guess it would be hard to just jump into all my blogs without any background info.... that would be like jumping into a story right in the rise of action, in the middle of conflicts, with no setting or exposition.

So here's some setting and expostion of me.
a little about the main character... I'm 19 years old, full time over-committed student at Winthrop. Engaged, getting married in the summer. Only child, Daddy's girl. Born and raised southern belle. Future teacher, I will teach middle school... (yes, you read that correctly.)
Currently, I live somewhere between Blacksburg, Rock Hill, Gastonia, and Charlotte, depending on what day it is.
I am a child of God, born again Christian. Christ is my rock, my heart, my strength, and I constantly fall short of His expectations. I'm working on that.
I have goals and dreams, and I will achieve them.
Overall, I am a very happy, bubbly person. I stumble some. But that's okay. I know what it is to love and be loved. And that, after all, is the greatest of all.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

first time.

I think I am gonna like blogging.

No need for long intros right yet, if you stick around, you'll learn lots.

love, Briana


me!