Friday, May 19, 2017

Moving



I’ve not blogged in a kajillion years.
Why?

1. We sold our home in December, began the frantic search for just the right home, moved out in January and stayed with family for three weeks while stuffing all of our belongings into storage, and then moved into our new house in mid-February. I want to blog eventually about that crazy but happy experience, not because I expect “readers” to want to know, but to hold and record the emotions. The last few months of getting settled in, decorating, redoing… they’ve been exhausting but wonderful. I want to capture these feelings soon.

2. WORK IS HARD. I am a teacher. The end. As I mentioned, lots of changes here too.

3. And lastly (and probably the biggest reason I’ve not sat down to write)... We’re still waiting on our adoption. We’ve had three almost-maybe situations that have not panned out obvs. The whole waiting thing has been spiritually tiresome, and I never ever ever ever ever thought we’d be waiting this long. I couldn’t have guessed we’d be almost to summer (24 days as I write this if you really wanna know… because, you know, I teach) and I don’t want to blog about it because then I’d have to face my emotions and anger and frustration and doubt and I JUST DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. It will happen. Someday. I hope. I pray. Okay, not talking anymore about that.


With all these changes and new leaves, I’ve started up a new blog. It’s 2017, and I’ve kept this thing up for 10 full years. Buying a new home just felt like the right time to close this notebook and open up a new one. Follow along if you’re inclined. :)

https://caffeinatedandcovered.wordpress.com


Thursday, December 01, 2016

Fall Feels.

I took a back-to-school break from blogging, but had no intentions of not writing for so long. This fall has been very interesting with lots of changes at work and a lot of long days. As I might have mentioned way back in AUGUST (egads!), both Jake and I have new administrators at work, and anytime that happens, you can expect a season of change and adjustment as leadership norms as expectations are different. My school had, unfortunately, taken a negative turn and made a D on our school report card, and although I personally had good scores and good growth in my students, there were still LOTS of new expectations, a new room, a new schedule, new teammates, and new work to be done. Makinzy played two sports this fall, AND has joined the band (playing flute like Mama did!) and is doing the Junior League Cotillon (much needed - she is learning so much… we wanted her to learn how to socialize with boys with class and tact, and this has been a HUGE help. Crushes on boys aren’t inherently bad for a 6th grade girl, but how dramatic she is and the choices she makes in how she expresses that can be… but, mom digresses...). So many extra things on our plate this fall! Plus what crazy weather! I hate to “blog about the weather” but it’s been an integral part of the stress of the season. The flooding and fear from Hurricane Matthew (and worrying over my coastal friends), then the extreme months-long drought (what even is rain!?) and the heartbreaking wildfires in the mountains I adore - Lake Lure, Blowing Rock, South Mountain, and now, Gatlinburg. Places I know and love!  So… yeah, a difficult fall indeed.

Not to mentions the one thing everyone asks me about the most… the waiting. Y’all. I don’t know why I expected this not to be difficult. I mean, everything we do regarding having children is difficult. I said, “Oh, I’m not worried about the wait!” and legitamitely thought it would be a few months and we’d have some “hits” and it would just work out. And now it’s almost Christmas. After my last (and let’s hope, final) miscarriage last November, I was truly miserable. I almost considered going back to our grief therapist (no shame - #mentalhealthmatters #endthestigma) but I knew I was just realistically and rationally sad about the idea of losing the hope and possibility of carrying and birthing a child, not clinically depressed. I was just too sad to enjoy Christmas, and the new year brought the hope of a second adoption. We resolved to jump in full force. And I actually thought I would have a baby home in my arms at Christmas. A little chubby cheek to kiss. Oh, I can’t go imagining too much or I cry. I never thought I’d still be feeling so empty and incomplete at Christmastime. I have people daily ask, “Hey, where’s that baby?” or “Still no baby?” and I literally have to control my hands to keep from lunging at their throat. I mean, uh duh, he or she would be in my arms. We’d be at home, skin to skin, bonding. Bye, girl, bye. I know they mean nothing by it, but I still feel such things, every single time.

A notification from our adoption agency did finally come right before Thanksgiving, but it didn’t work out. It was for a baby in a situation that just wouldn’t have fit. Not that we were being “picky.” I can’t go into much detail, but let’s just say her extensive needs were more than we could financially and emotionally bear, considering the amount of money we earn, our previous losses and own emotional baggage, and keeping in mind Makinzy’s needs too. Saying “no” was so very hard. I wanted to hear God say “YES! THIS IS IT!” and feel the thump on my heart, the almost-audible voice, the same as I did when I heard about Mak… but I didn’t. So I do feel peace that we were being obedient to God’s direction… but it still hurts to say no to this precious child. And so, back to waiting… STILL.

A friend I have (we met a wedding a year ago) is has written a book (to be released TOMORROW 12/2!) called SanctiFly Chicks, and her faith-inspired posts online have been super inspirational to me. Recently, she asked if she could feature my testimony on her page as she has been profiling “SanctiFly Chicks” on her page. I was honored to be asked to share, and the feedback has been overwhelmingly uplifting. I have to constantly remind myself that God is weaving the tapestry that tells the story of my life… and this waiting… and the last five years of joy and heartbreak are part of that. I cannot dictate God’s plan for me. And right now, His plan is to wait. My one hope for the end of my life is that people will say I lived a life that pointed to Him. That He was the source of my strength in my trials, the One who received the glory of my blessings, and the one who I obeyed even in hard times.


So we wait. With expectation. With pain. With joy. With open hearts to share our story.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A Silver-lined Summer

Blogging for many years has enabled me to see certain patterns or seasons in my life over the course of time. It seems there are years or seasons when I pour out thoughts post after post, and other drier times when I am only posting the occasional life update for the sake of doing it. It seems 2016 is a dry year.


We finished school in June, my second year in KM, and Jake’s first as an assistant principal. We’ve both grown in our roles professionally, and it is good to know that, while we may change schools or positions and it might not be the same year-to-year, we are in a school district we like, in a community that we enjoy, and in a field we are thriving in. We ended the year knowing the 16-17 year will be different because we both have new bosses and very dynamically changing school cultures with new procedures and new expectations. We couldn’t be more happy about the positive changes that have already happened. I moved classrooms and had a minor freak out because the room was significantly smaller, but I got to have pretty paint color and I have a giant window that gives me a great view and so much natural light. Totally found the silver lining. I can’t believe school starts back so soon, and I am, of course, getting the August Angsts, complete with tummy aches.


This summer was a little less adventurous (in an effort to save money for the adoption) than most for us, all though we did stay busy. Jake and I chaperoned a youth trip in June, we went to Oak Island in July with my parents (and that was an adventure, indeed, thanks to a really bad first day… but all was good, especially the flounder I cooked and ate, haha) and then Jake and I went to the mountains for a cheap getaway full of hiking while Mak was at children’s camp. I also took a few days recently to visit Whitney in Georgetown and spent some much needed time on Pawleys Island.


We also threw ourselves into nesting and adoption preparation. We launched a new fundraiser (COFFEE BEANS!) and completed the nursery! That in itself was a huge task! All that’s left to do is get the comfy rocking chair where we will likely spend a lot of time.


I think this summer has a had a theme of waiting. There’s a song that says “Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,” and I do feel like that’s exactly what’s happening in our lives. We have completed everything and are in the “waiting” stage with the adoption, and we are waiting patiently (after a year+) for our house to sell. But these, too, have silver linings. The longer we wait on Baby Wilson to rock our world, the more time we have to fundraise and prep, and the longer we pay on our house, the more we can afford to spend on a new house. See, He is totally using this time to strengthen us. Each challenge has silver linings.


Mak is getting ready to start 6th grade and is everything middle school related - the attitude, interests, and all...  It’s SO much easier to deal with this as a teacher than a parent. Not to mention that her biomom (hi there, if you read this) has now been released from prison, and now we are navigating that relationship, setting expectations, and figuring it all out.  Mak is up in her feelings about it, and seems to be genuinely excited, but I know her well enough to know that if you scratch below, there’s anger/fear too. As parents, we want to just sever the ties just to prevent her from getting hurt again, as a form of protection from let-down and awkwardness and possibilities. But we know that’s not how to handle the situation. Sticking to our word and keeping her best interests (not just want we want as adults) will get us through, and a stronger relationship all around could be a silver lining. Stressful, yes. But nothing about adopting Mak was without stress or complication, so yolo. He’s got this handled, too.

My absence from blogging and limiting this post to just this little update goes to show just why I hold onto this little corner of the web. I don’t blog for readers or clicks. I blog for me and always have. It will be awesome to read about what we were going through in 2016, just as is is now to look back (and laugh) and newlywed life in 2008 and 2009… Or ha, the woes of 2011. It’s a peek into my mind during ups and downs of the last ten years. How amazing. I can’t help but wonder when the market will be over saturated with bloggers. I mean, anyone can be a lifestyle blogger. It takes commitment and time, an eye for design and photography, and a willingness to write. Wit and charm are pluses. I never want to be mistaken for a lifestyle blogger. No no. I am grateful to have a place to record and review all craziness of this adventure. And if you read along too, that’s pretty cool.